Casualties of War
by on-the-hermitage-of-turtles
Summary: We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because it led me to you.
1. Lips of an Angel

**Summary:** We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because it led me to you.

_**Casualties of War**_

_**Chapter One: Lips of an Angel-Hinder**_

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**

First casualty of war? Truth, he'd…they'd been lying for years…long before the war ever came around. The truth was always the first thing to go when even the slightest hint of crisis appeared.

Second casualty? Sobriety…well that was a given. Even after the war drinking was the best escape from the world…the finest kind.

Third…fidelity. Ever the committed bachelor, he was determined to even avoid having it to sacrifice…well, that is…until recently…

When Carlye had shown up at his door, newly divorced and ready to give him the third chance…the one that was supposed to be a charm. He'd been okay at first…that was…until SHE walked back into his life. Carlye hadn't liked it one bit…he guessed because they were such close friends…best friends…had a bond that she would never understand, couldn't understand. Margaret had been the cause of their first and longest running argument. Sensing this she tried to stay away, and when she had to see him, they kept it secret.

This is where the truth really takes the beating. Margaret would always call, they'd agree to meet on the state line, in this small town with the quaintest bed and breakfast. She would always be a sick friend or the one in desperate need, which often wasn't a lie. Sick with no real illness, or in desperate need of what was never really specified to certain parties.

He knew it was wrong, she knew it was wrong…but for some reason they couldn't stop.

**

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**

"I don't see why it's such a big deal!" he shouted.

"That's just it Hawkeye! It's because you don't see it, that's why it's such a big deal!"

He opened his mouth to speak, she was sure it was something that wouldn't make any sense, only make matters worse…she didn't want that and hoped he didn't either. But the ringing of the telephone had stopped him, and saved them…maybe.

"Hello?" he answered looking over his shoulder to see Carlye leaving the room.

"Oh thank God it's you," the voice said, he could hear the relief so clearly. He could also sense from that voice…something was wrong.

"Margaret?" he whispered.

"Yes, why are you whispering?" she asked, her voice sounding shaky.

He looked over his shoulder once more not seeing anyone, then began to move away from the door, "That's not really important, what's wrong?"

She wasn't stupid, he knew that, they both knew that, "Oh, I'm sorry…I forgot that she'd be there…"

"It doesn't matter," he spoke very firmly but still quietly, "Now tell me, what's wrong?"

At this he began to hear the quiet sobs come, "I-I…I can't," she tried to speak but the words didn't seem to be coming.

"How soon can you get there?" he asked knowing that time for a visit from his favorite nurse.

"Train leaves in 15 minutes," she answered quickly, through some of her tears.

"I'll see you there." And that was the end of that phone call.

He hung up the phone, and turned to see her shadow. She'd been listening at the door. He sighed realizing that there was nothing he could do about it now…knowing that there wasn't anything he wanted to do about it. All that mattered to him was getting to that quaint little bed and breakfast on the state line two hours away.

He took a deep breath and walked back into the other room and saw her standing at the sink trying to look busy. "I've gotta go," he said, offering no explanation.

"Oh?" she said, turning, the questioning in her eyes.

"I should be back in a few days, but I can't be sure."

"Is it serious?" she asked.

"It's just a friend in need okay? Let's just leave it at that," he turned to leave the room and headed for the stairs. Once he arrived to the hallway, he turned and went into his room. He took a suitcase from his closet and began tossing clothes in.

She walked in and watched him carefully as he packed.

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**

She should have known better. They were in the past and there was no reviving that. She saw it coming, ever since that damned reunion. Margaret wasn't even there alone, the slut. Even the fact that she was there with him, couldn't keep them apart.

She felt silly for feeling this way, she was jealous. The ex-Major (shocking isn't it?) could have had her pick of the litter, but no, she had to have him…Hawkeye. She had to know he was hers? But then again, that obviously didn't matter to her. She'd always heard about the infamous Hotlips, always got what she wanted.

She saw it now, he was never really coming back to her. He'd always tried to play it cool…but she knew, how could she not? Especially after hearing the whispers that followed them wherever they went.

"_Did you hear about Dr. Pierce, he left last night rather suddenly."_

"_You know I heard he's having an affair. Why, Norma told me just yesterday he'd been receiving frequent phone calls from a mysterious young woman lately."_

"_Oh the poor dear, do you think she knows?"_

"_I don't see how she couldn't."_

"_You know though, I could understand it. Him wanting to wander like that."_

"_Bertha! How could you say such a thing?"_

"_Edie, you know as well as I do, that that's not the same Hawkeye that left here a few years ago…"_

"_You do have a point, but it's so scandalous…I can only imagine what his father would say."_

"_Yes well, if Daniel were still around he wouldn't have taken up with 'her' again."_

Affair…it was such a dirty word. Never in a million years would she have thought this would happen to her. Although, she knew she'd done the same thing with Hawkeye of all people. Maybe that was it, maybe that's why he would do this…because she'd cheated on Doug. What goes around comes around? It seemed to be a plausible theory.

But now she was certain. It had to end, and since he wasn't willing to sacrifice anything, she'd have to be the one to give up…even if it meant giving up him.

'Hawkeye,

I'm sorry, but I can't stay here while you do this to me, do this to us.

I won't be here when you get back.

I'm sorry I have to do this, but I've come to realize that I can't stay.

I love you,

I'll be seeing you,

Carlye'

**

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**

He arrived at the station about ten minutes late, and found her sitting there on a bench. Her expression was bored, worried, and weary. He quickly made his way over to her, "Margaret."

She stood up quickly and moved toward him, "Hawkeye…" she said as he took her into his arms.

"I've missed you," he said softly, holding her tighter. He leaned down to kiss the top of her head and entangled his hand in her hair.

She pulled back enough to look up at him, a deep tired earnestness in her eyes, "Can we go?" she asked.

"Sure, let's get going," he moved away and picked up her suitcase, taking her hand with his free one.

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**A/N:** Okay, so in the spirit of reposting old things...I've decided I wanna try to finish this story as it's been bearing on my mind to do so. -Allie

**Disclaimer: **I do not own MASH. Or the following lyrics, they are the property of Hinder. As stated, this is only for my own entertainment.

* * *

_Honey why you calling me so late?_

_It's kinda hard to talk right now._

_Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?_

_I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud_  
_Well, my girl's in the next room_

_Sometimes I wish she was you_

_I guess we never really moved on_

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name_

_It sounds so sweet_

_Coming from the lips of an angel_

_Hearing those words it makes me weak_  
_And I never wanna say goodbye_

_But girl you make it hard to be faithful_

_With the lips of an angel_  
_It's funny that you're calling me tonight_

_And, yes, I've dreamt of you too_

_And does he know you're talking to me_

_Will it start a fight_

_No I don't think she has a clue_  
_Well my girl's in the next room_

_Sometimes I wish she was you_

_I guess we never really moved on_

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name_

_It sounds so sweet_

_Coming from the lips of an angel_

_Hearing those words it makes me weak_  
_And I never wanna say goodbye_

_But girl you make it hard to be faithful_

_With the lips of an angel_  
_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name_

_It sounds so sweet_

_Coming from the lips of an angel_

_Hearing those words it makes me weak_  
_And I never wanna say goodbye_

_But girl you make it hard to be faithful_

_With the lips of an angel_  
_And I never wanna say goodbye_

_But girl you make it hard to be faithful_

_With the lips of an angel_  
_Honey why you calling me so late?_


	2. I'd Come For You

**Summary:** We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because it led me to you.

_**Casualties of War**_

_**Chapter Two: **__**I'd Come for You- Nickelback**_

_S is for the simple need_

_E is for the ecstasy._

_X is just to mark the spot,_

_Because that's the one you really want._

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**

She lay there on the bed and stared at his bare chest rising and falling with each breath. He'd fallen asleep some time ago, but she had yet to manage that…there was too much on her mind. Part of her, albeit a very small part, a part buried so deep inside that it was almost ignorable, knew this was wrong. He was taken. She'd promised herself that she'd never do this again. But there was the greater part of her, that didn't care. She needed this, she needed HIM.

"You look very concentrated on something," his voice tore her out of her thoughts.

She hadn't even noticed him wake up, "I'm just thinking," she replied quietly moving closer to him resting her head on his chest.

"Gonna share the secret?" He wrapped his arm around her and ran his fingers through her silky hair.

His touch sent soft, intoxicating electric shocks through her whole body and his quiet laugh did even more, "I think I hate myself right now…" she didn't mean to say it out loud and could feel the blood rush up to her cheeks when she heard herself say it.

"What do you mean?" The man's hand on her back stopped it's soothing pattern and felt heavy under the guilt she felt.

He asked more in the way that someone would for an explanation on a math problem, but she felt like he had snapped at her. "I'm sorry I didn't mean…" Margaret's voice shook as she tried to put her thoughts into words, "I mean…here I am , not that long after Donald was cheating on me and I'm the 'other woman' as far as Carlye is concerned…" she sighed, "After he did that to me, I never wanted to do that to anyone else. No one deserves that to happen to them. And here I am, making it happen for her. How could I do that to someone?"

"Margaret, if you feel this way about all this then, why did you call?" Hawkeye asked rising up in the bed.

She moved away from him and stared up at the ceiling her eyes beginning to fill with tears, "I don't know…I really wasn't thinking."

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**

At this Hawkeye wasn't really sure what to think. He stood up from the bed and ran his hand through his dark hair and stared at the wall.

"I guess because I knew you would come…I needed somebody, and I knew you'd be the one to come, you always are."

It was true, no use in trying to deny it. It was the cold hard truth. Life had a way of taking everything loved, the thing that made him happy, and making it come back to bite him in the butt. His relationship with Margaret was just that. Up until that moment he thought it perfect. Why did she have to say that? Ruin the romance? Because reality was harsh and brutal, screwing him over at ever opportunity, and quite frankly…life was a bitch.

She spoke truths, he always came, whenever she called, he came. Why? Because he was an idiot? No, that couldn't be it. Because he was desperate? No, like her, he could have his pick of the litter…and not to mention he had Carlye…so why? _Because you love her you dunce…_A voice in his head seemed to scream. Love? The word that made him squirm and run far far away. He was in love with Margaret Houlihan…Okay now he was sure he was going crazy.

No, no…not crazy. Avoiding the truth, for the longest time…he'd been avoiding it, ignoring it…when really he knew all along. He'd fallen out of touch with her, said goodbye in Korea to avoid it, gotten back with Carlye to avoid it. Not just avoid it, refuse it. He remembered now…

Just after his father's death, six months after the war…He'd never really gotten over the war…the nightmares, even to this day he had them…and faced with losing his father, he was consumed by grief. Beyond grief actually, it was an abyss…death and destruction spreading it's all-encompassing darkness everywhere he turned. All he wanted was an escape…and all of a sudden…with Carlye turning up on his doorstep…he had one.

But then when Margaret called that first time, he had another. And as much as he didn't want to, he had to admit that he was happier than he had been in a long time when he saw her again. Much happier than when he saw Carlye after all that time. It was almost like he was being reunited with family…with a long lost loved one.

Just talking with her had made it seem better…the sex had just been a plus…then again…that was what sex was all about right?

"Hawk?" he heard her speak quietly.

"Yeah?" he replied turning around to face her.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just thinking…" he answered her.

**

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**

She nodded, she didn't say anything because she knew it would be much harder for her to get him to talk about what he was thinking than it was for him to get her to talk. It had been that way for quite some time…they had almost reversed roles somehow.

She took in a deep breath and spoke softly yet firmly, "You wanna talk about it?" At least trying to give it a shot.

"It's nothing…really…nothing," was his reply as he went to lay down next to her again.

"You sure?" she asked as he inched closer.

He nodded as he touched his lips to hers, and placed his hand on her hip and gently pushed her onto her back.

She didn't stop him, she didn't want to really…Wrong? Maybe. Did she care? At the moment…No. It didn't matter anymore. She'd called knowing what she was doing, just not wanting to admit it. And as always, he came…so that had to mean something right?

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**

After the anger and the rush of trying to fit all her clothes and belongings into a single suitcase, she'd collapsed on the hallway floor in a wave of tears. She couldn't leave…she knew that now. Where would she go? What would she do when she got there, where ever 'there' was? And besides all that, she still loved Hawkeye.

"Oh my God…what am I gonna do?" she asked herself closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the wall and then heaving a tired sigh…

Then she thought of the note she had written. 'Tear it up.' the voice in her head spoke to her…it seemed to be the voice of reason, the one that would tell her the right thing to do. But was it right if it was telling her to stay? Stick around for more heart ache and break…

She rose to her feet, went back into the bed room and started to put things back where they belonged. Once she was finished with that she went back downstairs to the kitchen, to the note, which she took into her hands, lit a match and burned it…leaving only ashes. No traces left of her decision to leave. Hawkeye would know nothing when he returned.

She would stay…and she would fight to keep what she felt was hers. After all…she loved him and he loved her…he had to, if he didn't she wouldn't be here right?

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A/N: **Okay so...here's the next chapter. For those of you who may remember this story you'll know that I also had four chapters out so I'm gonna try to keep it up that way. I'm currently working on chapter five so it should be done by the time I get there and so on and so forth. The main plot and outline is already laid out just need written so yeah...Probably won't be very long but hopefully it'll be an enjoyable read.

**Disclaimer: **M*A*S*H is definitely not mine…and neither does this awesome song. It belongs to Nickelback, as does the few lines at the beginning of this chapter. The following lyrics are I'd Come for You, from their new album. The lines at the beginning of this chapter are also from their new album…but it's an awesome song called S.E.X…for those of you who know the song, it's awesome right? Almost as good as Animals, for those of you who don't…you gotta listen…and no I'm not that big a perv.

_

* * *

Just One more moment, that's all that's needed._

_Like wounded soldiers in need of healing._

_Time to be honest, this time I'm bleeding_

_Please don't dwell on it, cause I didn't mean it  
_

_I cant believe I said I'd lay our love on the ground_

_But it doesn't matter cause I've made it up forgive me now_

_Everyday I spend away my souls inside out_

_Gotta be someway that I can make it up to you now, somehow.  
_

_By now you'd know that I'd come for you_

_No one but you, yes I'd come for you_

_But only if you told me to_

_And I'd fight for you_

_I'd lie, it's true_

_Give my life for you_

_You know I'd always come for you  
_

_I was blindfolded, but now I'm seeing_

_My mind was closing, now I'm believing_

_I finally know what just what it means to let someone in_

_To see the side of me that no one does or ever will_

_So if your ever lost and find yourself all alone_

_I'd search forever just to bring you home,_

_Here and now this I vow  
_

_By now you'd know that I'd come for you_

_No one but you, yes I'd come for you_

_But only if you told me to_

_And I'd fight for you_

_I'd lie, it's true_

_Give my life for you_

_You know I'd always come for you_

_You know I'd always come for you_

_No matter what gets in my way_

_As long as there's still life in me_

_No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you_

_I'd crawl across this world for you_

_Do anything you want me to_

_No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you_

_You know I'll always come for you  
_

_Yes I'd come for you, no one but you,Yes I'd come for you_

_But only if you told me to  
_

_And I'd fight for you_

_I'd lie, it's true_

_Give my life for you_

_You know I'd always come for you_

_No matter what gets in my way_

_As long as there's still life in me_

_No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you_

_I'd crawl across this world for you_

_Do anything you want me to_

_No matter what, remember you know I'll always come for you_

_You know I'll always come for you_


	3. Let Me Sign

**Summary:** We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because for every bad time, bad memory, I have at least three good to take it's place.

_**Casualties of War**_

_**Chapter Three:**__** Let Me Sign- Rob Pattinson**_

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**

Where was he? In a field somewhere…but where? More importantly why? And what was he doing there?…

Wait, what was that? A…tree? It was awfully broken and twisted…and it was such a blur. And what was that sitting on one of the branches? No not what…who? It was a woman, that much he could make out…she was sitting there, her face covered by her long golden hair…she was shrouded in a white toga looking thing. With the exception that it clung tightly to her skin showing off every curve. He stepped forward to try and get a better look and found, she wasn't alone…

Yet another woman was standing on the other side of the tree, her back to him. She was dressed in the same attire, her hair may have been a shade darker and straighter than the wavy mane of the woman on the tree. At first he was attracted to this mysterious woman facing away from him…and he began to move to her instead…

She did not move, acted as though she did not hear his footsteps on the ground as he approached her. He grabbed for her and his hand merely fell through. Only feeling cold icy air. At this point she turned toward him, and he was shocked by what he saw…

It was Carlye. Her sad eyes staring through his…through him. She was pale…and appeared almost desolate…but why? And then all of a sudden…she began to walk and as she walked she faded into nothingness…he turned around to see if she had appeared anywhere else, this is when he noticed the woman on the tree had moved positions. She now sat with one leg hanging off swinging, and leaning back against the trunk of the tree, her eyes closed…her face more visible now…then she opened her eyes and he saw the icy blue green eyes that meant so much to him…

Margaret…what was she doing here? Good God she looked beautiful…her eyes just seemed to light up…she opened her mouth as if to speak and instead she dropped a paper onto the ground. He moved to pick it up and he heard her whispers… "_I will wrap you in my arms…and you'll know that you are saved…"_

He now felt like he wanted nothing more than to follow her…

When he turned back to her, she had gotten up and began to run away…and the scene began to fade…

**

* * *

**

He sat in the bar, he and Margaret had parted ways for just a little while, so for now he was alone…able to think. What had that dream meant? It obviously meant something about his feelings toward Margaret and Carlye and even perhaps their feelings towards him. Why did life have to be so confusing?

His head jerked up when he saw someone walk in, but not just any someone…it was actually a very special someone…Margaret. How did she know he was here? Why did she come looking for him? No wait…she didn't appear to be looking for him in particular…she walked over to the bar, ordered her drink and sat there while she waited…

He couldn't help but notice she was wearing a little red dress…a color that he happened to love on her…He also couldn't help but notice all the other eyes on her…a surge of jealousy running through him. Wait, what did he have to be jealous about? First off, they weren't even really together, what should he care? Second…well…he was the reason she was even here. Not necessarily in the bar, but in this town just past the Maine state line…closing ranks…joining hands…sustaining each other. That's how BJ had put it during their talk after that first time…

He still felt guilty about that first time, the way he'd acted…but he hadn't been ready for it at the time…to feel something so strong, especially for her. He felt awful for the way he'd treated her…and that he'd been scared…truly scared.

But then there was Carlye…where did Carlye fit into all this? He loved her…or at least he thought he did…but he really loved Margaret…didn't he? And then again…who was he to know what love really was…right? This was so confusing…

His thoughts began to drift and then he noticed she was no longer sitting at the bar…instead she was moving towards him…

"Buy a girl a drink?" she said smiling slightly reaching for his arm and pulling him out of his seat.

"Only if she'll dance with me," he smiled taking the lead from her and leading her to the dance floor. She smiled wider and fell into his lead…he stared down into her eyes as they danced to Sinatra's "I'll Be Seeing You", her blue-green eyes…and he realized that she was what he wanted most…so why couldn't he just accept that?

**

* * *

**

He sighed as he entered the room…they'd rented a large suite. The room was a favorite of his, a home away from home. He'd become quite familiar with these surroundings in the past few months. He moved towards the bedroom and his breath was caught in his throat at what he saw. There she was, laying on the bed tangled in the black satin sheets…his very favorite part of this room…this place…always had satin sheets on the beds.

He moved slowly and quietly to the bed trying to careful not to wake her. He slid behind her, wrapping his arms around her. In response she turned over and laid her head on his chest, "I was wondering when you'd be back…" she whispered still half asleep.

His hand went into her hair, "I wasn't gone all that long you know."

She smiled against his chest, he felt her warm breath on his skin, "I know but…I missed you. I don't sleep well alone."

"Well I'm here now," he said quietly as he began to run his hands up and down her back, "So we can both go to sleep."

"Yeah…" she said, he could feel her starting to relax against him, "Good night…"

"Good night," he replied, his hands keeping their soft motion.

"I love you…" she said sleepily.

He stiffened slightly at those words…then he shook it off and replied, "I love you too Margaret."

There, he'd said it…he only felt guilty for a split second…and then…he just didn't care about anyone else but the woman in his arms at that very moment. He felt…whole. And to be honest it was a strange feeling…but he liked it. That was it, he'd made a decision…no matter how wrong it was…"Well, _can't fight the devil_," he said to himself, then he drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

_

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_

**A/N: **Okay so...here you go. Some of this chapter is a dream...and they're three different scenes that I feel fit the lyrics to the song...it all mostly deals with Hawkeye's inner workings, as he debates his relationships with both Carlye and Margaret. In addition to this chapter...last winter when it was originally written I also drew three pictures to go along with it. They are currently on my deviantart account, the link to that can be found on my profile. If you feel like it I'd appreciate it if you check them out...comment if you feel like it...I really hate to plug stuff like this but you know. Okay so...that's all I have to say. Review, please! ~Allie

**Disclaimer: **I've stated this before...and it kills me to say it again...but I do NOT own MASH. In addition to that, I do not own the song Let Me Sign...it belongs to Mr. Robert Pattinson, while I am not a Twilight fan I do love his songs. So yeah...that's it!

* * *

_She was standing there by the broken tree_

_Her hands were all twisted she was pointing at me_

_I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes_

_She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky_

_She said walk on over into bitter shade, _

_I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved'_

_Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign._

_I was out for a drink in a soho bar_

_The air was smoked out like a cheap cigar_

_She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost_

_She was the woman that I wanted the most_

_As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand_

_I said 'Lay me down easy let me understand'_

_Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign_

_ I walked through the door she was still in my head_

_As I entered the room she was laid there in bed_

_She reached out for me all twisted in black_

_I was on my way down, never coming back_

_Let me sign, let me sign, _

_can't fight the devil so just let me me sign,_

_ let me sign, can't fight the devil _

_so just let me sign._


	4. The Only Exception

**Summary:** We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because it led me to you.

_**Casualties of War**_

_**Chapter Four: **__**The Only Exception**_

* * *

She was packing her clothes…it was time for their most recent tryst to end. She felt happy and yet…it was strange. After years of watching her parents unhappy, and experiencing firsthand all that she did…it felt odd to be so completely comfortable in a relationship…no matter how twisted that relationship may be…

Although, she knew she never loved any of those in the past…not like this. Most of them she was using just as they were using her. And at one point and time in her life, she never felt she would truly love someone…actually she'd promised herself that, because she'd witnessed how much hurt it caused. This, however, was her exception…_He_ was her exception.

* * *

"Hello beautiful," Hawkeye said as he stepped in behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

She smiled softly and said, "YOU are biased."

"Nah, just madly in love…" he said inhaling the scent of her hair. He then began to plant soft kisses on her neck.

"Hawkeye…" she said softly and quietly, "I have a train to catch…" she said this almost reluctantly…as though she wanted to pull away and yet…

"We've got time…and if we run out…then…that just means we used our time well," he said then continuing with his actions.

She stopped him by turning around in his arms, "Wasted well or not, it doesn't matter…it's time for me to go. I have to get back to work and…so do you."

* * *

He opened his mouth to argue with her and she stopped him by kissing him. He responded by kissing her back and gently pushing her down onto the bed. She let it continue on for a few minutes, then pulled back. He stared back at her, his gaze holding hers…she was mesmerized by his eyes…always had been. It was how they communicated without words…his eyes always seeming to speak volumes. She could easily read what they said now…and if she were honest…it partly scared her. No matter what he told her, and how much she wanted to believe him…she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

This is what kept her from continuing on…this is why she decided to leave today…She shook herself from her thoughts and stood up. "Come on, we've gotta finish packing," she said her voice shaking…he stood up and began to pack his own suitcase…they finished the packing in silence.

She thought back to when she'd first called him…envisioning nothing more than a pure fantasy…operating on some silly notion. What had really made her think that she could have him? Hadn't she always wanted it that way…keep them at arm's length. Love never lasts…and you've got to find a way to make it on your own…or keep a straight face. That was how she had lived…and she was content with that, or at least she thought she was…but then…

She remembered that day so clearly…meeting him for the first time. She had been certain that it was only a simple attraction…he was a handsome man, how could she not be just a little bit attracted to him? All the other nurses seemed to be…it was normal for her to be drawn to him as well…

But they were stuck in that godforsaken place together…and were there for a long time…it allowed them time to manage to for a relationship. She fell in love with him…despite her conscience screaming, trying to warn her…Sure it went against everything she had tried to prevent…but this was love…nothing before this had been worth risking her heart.

**

* * *

**

"Well, I guess I'll be seeing you," Hawkeye said his arms wrapped tightly around her as they stood at the train station. His face resting gently against her head, he inhaled her scent.

"Yeah," she mumbled against his chest. She felt like he was smothering her, but she was holding him just as tight, if not tighter. The smell of his cologne making her melt into him even more.

"You don't have to wait so long for your next visit you know?" he said pulling back slightly, looking down into her eyes.

She smiled slightly, "What about you? You could come my way next time you know?"

He leaned down and kissed her softly, he spoke when he pulled back, "Who knows, maybe I might."

"No 'maybe's or 'might's to it, you're coming to Hartford next time," she said.

"Okay, okay, I will, but don't think I'm going because you win, it's because I know how stubborn you are and how much you like to have your way," he joked his smile lighting up his eyes.

"Last call for Hartford, All aboard!" rang the voice through the entire station.

"That's my cue," she said reaching up to kiss him once more, he kissed back and when she reluctantly pulled away she spoke a breathless, "See ya!"

"So long!" he called after her as she ran for the train. She turned to wave back to him, and that was that…she was gone again.

**

* * *

**

She walked into her apartment, she was exhausted. The train ride had been long and bumpy, the car she'd been in was a tad crowded and it's rough movements had made her nauseous. It was always her trip back home that put her back into reality…It was as if she'd just dreamed the past three days. Just as well though, she never had any proof that she was spending the time with Hawkeye except the memories…

She never told anyone where she was going, they just assumed she was going to visit family. She didn't think it was any of their business. And besides, what kind of a reputation would she have if people she worked with knew she was the other woman. She hated how that sounded…and had been thinking about it a lot. She had hurt so much when Donald Dumbass had another woman, but now she _was_ the other woman and it felt like something totally different. She was…happy.

Sighing, she turned on the light and started lugging her suitcase to her bedroom. She swung it up on the bed and opened it up, but all of a sudden it was like her energy had escaped her. Seeing that her weekend was somehow, all behind her with nothing to really hold onto now, will had all but escaped her. Whenever she came home after spending a couple glorious nights with the man she…really did love…she felt like a whole had been punched through her heart.

Resting her head in her hands, she could feel the tears start. Taking another deep breath, she rubbed her eyes and got up from her spot on the bed to make sure they didn't start. "Get a hold of yourself…" the order to herself only worked for a few minutes. Her vision became blurry as she started gathering her things and putting them in piles of clean or dirty clothes. She was about to put the clean clothes away when she noticed a small box and a piece of paper in the dark corner of the luggage. "What the…" her whisper trailed off as she reached for the object.

Opting to open up the box first, knowing in her heart of hearts what was inside…she gasped when she saw the ring. It wasn't large…but it wasn't exactly small either…it was extravagant. White gold setting, in the design of vines around the jewels…three diamonds with small emeralds between each one. It was a ring…a beautiful ring…to many a ring meant serious commitment, but this was Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Commitment was the bane of his existence…asking Hawkeye to make a commitment to anything other than medicine was ludicrous.

She sat the box with the ring aside and picked up the letter and began to read…

'_Dearest Margaret,_

_I know these aren't the best circumstances…or even the best timing, but I don't think I can wait any longer…I love you. I love you so much, I can't imagine my life without you…and if I keep this up I could be here awhile writing this…I've always heard it takes three seconds to say, "I love you.", three hours to explain it…and a lifetime to prove it…_

_And I'm sure you've already seen the ring…and you probably know what I'm going to say next…but…_

_I was wondering, if maybe you wouldn't give me that lifetime…_

_Don't worry because I don't expect an immediate answer…but…feel free to call when you're ready._

_I love you, forever and always…_

_Ben'_

He'd signed the letter, 'Ben.' It was a very rare occasion she'd ever heard him referred to as his given name…she'd only ever called him that once, and it was during an argument…

She wiped the tears away from her eyes and stood to her feet and ran for the phone, she had to call him. Had to talk to him…

The phone rang as she reached her hand out for it.

**

* * *

**

Where was it? Where had that ring box gone? He'd kept it in his sock drawer…always, hidden, thinking she'd never find it. It had been there ever since she'd moved in and now it was gone. She'd been envisioning that ring on her finger for the longest time…even during their time in Boston. It had been his mother's…and knew he'd been saving it for the woman he'd wanted to spend the rest of his life with, she was sure that woman had been her…until recently.

She still felt like she should be the one with his ring…and now it was gone. Her mind worked quick enough to figure out where the ring had disappeared to…he'd given it away…given it to her…the whore.

* * *

**DISCLAIMER:** I hate to repeat myself so I'm not gonna go into that whole...MASH isn't mine thing. The lyrics in italics below belong to perhaps my favorite band, Paramore. It's a great song called "The Only Exception" I recommend that you listen to it if you haven't heard it because it is that great. Okay I'm done.

**A/N: **Okay so...I was gonna wait to post this...but...I decided to post it today anyway in honor of the fabulous Loretta Swit who staked her claim as one of my favorite actresses by playing Major Margaret Houlihan for 11 seasons, and played her so wonderfully. Not likely that she'll ever read this, but I wish her a Happy Birthday. I'll try to have the next chapter out soon, I've got some of it written, but I've been loaded down with homework so I'm gonna try to get that out of the way before I finish this chapter...as much as it pains me to say...my degree comes first right now...and so...that's all I have to say. Reviews Please! ~Allie

_When I was younger I saw my daddy_

_cry and curse at the broke his own heart and_

_I watched as he tried to re-assemble it_

_ my mamma swore she would_

_never let herself forget_

_ that was the day that I promised_

_I'd never sing of love if it does not exist _

_darling…_

_You are the only exception (x4)_

_Maybe I know somewhere deep in_

_my soul that love never lasts _

_but we've got to find other ways_

_to make it alone or keep a straight face_

_ I've always lived like this_

_keeping a comfortable distance,_

_and up until now I swore to myself_

_that I'm content with loneliness,_

_'cause none of it was ever worth the risk _

_but __you are the only exception (x4)_

_I've got a tight grip on reality,_

_but I can't let go of what's part of me here._

_I know you're leaving in the morning, _

_when you wake up,leave me of some kind of proof it's not a dream..._

_You are the only exception (x8)_

_And I'm on my way to believing.. (x2)_


	5. No Surprise

**Summary: **We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because it led me to you.

_**Casualties of War**_

_**Chapter Five: No Surprise**_

* * *

She wanted to forgive him, she wanted him to come back to her. She'd tried to live with it…tried to work past it, but found it impossible. Hawkeye's "little indiscretion" as she called it, had finally destroyed what little they had left of their relationship. For exactly one month she'd tip toed around him, planned things out, tried to make him see that she was really what he needed…but she quickly discovered that it was useless. He was as good as gone…his heart belonged to another…

She only had one thing left to do…

'_Dear Hawkeye,_

_I realize that this probably won't come as the shock I wish it would be if things were different…but they aren't, and this won't be a surprise. I've thought about this long and hard and there just isn't any other way for me to say this, so I'm just going to say it…I can't stay._

_I shouldn't have to explain it to you. You should already know._

_I do want you to know that I did love you, part of me still does, and I know that at some point in time you loved me too. I also know that your heart is no longer in it, in 'us'. I can't help but feel some bitterness and jealousy towards her, but can you really blame me? Even though from the very beginning I kind of felt that we were going nowhere, I was still hurt by this. _

_The only reason I can find for staying so long is…me just being hopeful. Thinking that if I waited long enough you'd come back to me, forget all about her, realize that she wasn't good for you…but I see now that I was just wasting time away on silly notions._

_I should say that I'm sorry…but I hope you'll understand when I say that I just can't…_

_I'll never forget you, or the time we spent together, and I'll treasure it for the rest of my life. So I guess, I'll be seeing you._

_With Love, _

_Carlye_

She folded the letter and placed it on the desk in his office, sure he would see it there. She then walked back into the front hall, took one last look at the house knowing she would never see it again. Tears filled her eyes as she picked up her suitcase and walked out the door, got into the cab and left Crabapple Cove, and it's infamous Dr. Pierce behind forever.

* * *

Carlye Breslin had never been much of one for drinking, and yet…she found herself sitting alone in a bar. The trip to New York had been long and tiring, she hadn't been so exhausted by traveling since going to Asia…She remembered the war…she'd drank a lot then too. Korea was another strange and desperate time in her life which called for desperate measures…the second casualty of war was sobriety. If she were honest with herself she'd swear that the situation she had been in was a lot like a war…fighting for what she felt was hers and what she thought she'd deserved…but that was all just part of the game wasn't it? All's fair in love and war and all that…

"Yeah it sure seems pretty fair right now," she said sarcastically to herself taking what was left of her scotch and downing it.

That was when another was placed in front of her. "I don't know what's got such a pretty gal like you lookin' so down, but I wouldn't mind trying to change that."

She looked up at the man, he wasn't completely unfortunate looking, as a matter of fact he was easy on the eyes. Still she regarded the stranger carefully. "It's pretty complicated," she said smiling slightly as she accepted the drink.

"Well Miss…,"

"Breslin, Carlye Breslin," she answered quickly.

"Well, Miss Carlye Breslin, I've got some time," he smiled at her, she decided right then and there that she liked his smile. That was what she often fell for first.

"Then I guess I can regale you with my sad story Mister…"

"Scully, Jack Scully."

"Mr. Jack Scully," she smiled a little brighter. She couldn't figure out if it was an attraction or just the booze…but at the moment…she didn't care.

* * *

Hawkeye had walked in the front door to find the house empty. He searched the house halfheartedly assuming that she had simply gone out. He then walked into his office to work on the small stack of paperwork he'd brought home…it was there that he found the letter laying in the center of his desk, his name on the envelope in her neat and loopy handwriting. It was all the confirmation he needed, but he read the note anyway. Once he had finished reading he felt like he had been dealt a blow to the stomach, while every word she had said was true, it still bothered him that he had been capable of such an act. Not only that, he had dragged Margaret into it.

He sighed and went for the phone, "Yes, Norma, I need to place a call for Hartford, thank you."

It wasn't long before he heard her voice, and all he had to say was, "She's gone, she left."

"I'll be there as soon as I can," she answered and then they hung up.

* * *

She awoke the next morning not daring to open her eyes, knowing it wouldn't help her hangover. However she just couldn't help herself when she felt movement in the bed that wasn't hers…She opened her eyes, rose up slowly and glanced blearily and saw Jack Scully, the stranger from the bar, laying next to her sleeping peacefully. 'Oh no, what have I done?' she thought. It was now too late for regret…

**A/N: **Well, here it is! A little earlier than I expected, and probably not the best work I could have done...but this was a difficult chapter for me to write. I don't know when I can get started on the next chapter, hopefully it'll be soon, but I have a paper to finish, and a presentation, a bunch of other stuff coming up. Maybe around Thanksgiving, because I get almost a week long break. But...that's about it. Reviews please! ~Allie

**DISCLAIMER:** I was born in '92...MASH was a 70's dramedy...'nuff said. The song lyrics below belong to Daughtry, it's a song called "No Surprise".

* * *

_I've practiced this for hours,_

_ gone round and round_

_And now I think that I've got it all down_

_And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds_

_Cause I'm not taking the easy way out_

_Not wrappin' this in ribbons_

_Shouldn't have to give a reason why_

_It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow_

_I can't believe that I stayed till today_

_Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow_

_But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise_

_It came out like a river once I let it out_

_When I thought that I wouldn't know how_

_Held onto it forever, just pushing it down_

_Felt so good to let go of it now_

_Not wrapping this in ribbons_

_Shouldn't have to give a reason why_

_It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow_

_I can't believe that I stayed till today_

_There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow_

_There's nothing here in this soul left to say_

_Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow_

_God knows we tried to find an easier way_

_Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow_

_But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise_

_Our favorite place we used to go_

_The warm embrace that no one knows_

_The loving look that's left your eyes_

_That's why this comes as no,As no surprise_

_If I could see the future and how this plays out_

_I bet it's better than where we are now_

_But after going through this_

_It's easier to see the reason why_

_It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow_

_I can't believe that I stayed till today(stayed till today)_

_Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow_

_But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise_

_Our favorite place we used to go_

_The warm embrace that no one knows_

_The loving look that's left your eyes_

_But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise_


	6. Stranger

**Summary: **We're all just casualties of war. All these paths crossed each other all at once, we would never be the same again. Our lives from then on would take a turn for the better or turn for the worst. I for one, am glad, because it led me to you.

_**Casualties of War**_

_**Chapter Six: Stranger**_

* * *

Life in New York had turned out easier than she'd expected.. She found a job and an apartment in no time and she was making the adjustment quite nicely. She still wasn't quite sure how things would go, if this utopia, this sanctuary, she'd found here would last here, so she'd put off trying to make acquaintances with anyone…

The phone started ringing again. She tensed up and kept quiet and still as though the person on the other end could tell she was really there if she made any noise. She didn't have to answer it to know who was on the other end. Jack Scully had been trying to get in touch with her for over three weeks now, ever since their night together. There was nothing for her to do but to be patient and wait for him to give up once more. After the twentieth ring it stopped, and she sighed and relaxed into the couch.

Carlye hated to think that she could regret anything, having regret meant you made mistakes and she didn't make mistakes, but she quickly realized that her tryst with Jack was a regrettable decision, it was so unlike her. Never before in her life had she just fallen into bed with a man…except maybe Hawkeye…but that was different, it was during the war. 'Still that's no excuse.' A tiny voice rang out in her head, and she couldn't disagree with it. What had happened with Hawkeye in Korea is what primarily led to her being here now.

It was all just a big mistake… "Although…" she said to herself, "if I thought about it, the biggest mistake was dating Hawkeye in the first place." She often wondered what her life would have been like if she had listened to her friends and not gotten tangled up with Hawkeye Pierce all those years ago in her nursing school days…It seemed as though every decision she'd made since then was doing nothing more than digging her own grave and every day it got deeper and deeper.

* * *

The train was quiet…she'd taken a late one out so all the other passengers were asleep. She wanted to be like the rest of them sleeping, but found that she couldn't. Too many things on her mind…Ever since Hawkeye had called her three weeks ago, she'd tried to get to Maine immediately, but was unable to get the time off work. Hawkeye had said he understood but that didn't change the fact that they were both anxious about all of this. Her hand slipped into her pocket and she felt the ring, where she had left it. She had wanted to believe it was a real and true gesture, but her fears and doubts had won her over. What was it that bothered her so much? Deep down she really knew…but didn't want to admit it.

To Margaret…Hawkeye was everything…there was just too much to lose if she lost him. Proposing was a huge step for them to take, especially in the predicament they were in, even more than that, it was coming from Hawkeye Pierce. It was all too much for her, and it scared her. Even now there was the thought of, "What if Carlye decides to come back?" and "If she does come back…where does that leave them? Where did it leave her?" Too many things factored into this situation, and she didn't want to make anything official. She stared blankly out the window, though all she could see was black. It was going to be a long night…If only she could sleep…

* * *

She woke with a start to find herself on the couch. She must've fallen asleep there after the phone stopped ringing, that was when she realized that the phone hadn't rang since then. She was overcome with relief, Jack must have finally given up for good. "Oh thank God," she said to herself her hand over her eyes. She began to relax completely when she heard a knocking at the door, "Who could that be?" she asked herself as she got up and made her way to the couch. "I'm coming!" she yelled to her unknown visitor.

She opened the door and when she saw him standing there her mind went completely blank, then in a sudden rush questions came pouring out of her mouth, "Jack, what are you doing here? How did you find me here? What makes you think you can just come over here anyway?"

Jack stepped inside around her, "You just gotta hear me out."

"No!" she said loudly, "You have to go, you have to get out of here now." She tried to push him back out the door, but he stood his ground, instead he grabbed the door and shut it. She knew that she wasn't going to get out this that easy, "Jack, you've got to understand…what happened the other night, shouldn't have happened. I just got out of a bad relationship and I was vulnerable…and…the point is it was wrong."

"No, I mean it, you've gotta hear me out. I know what we did probably wasn't a good idea but I feel like it wasn't a mistake," he said.

"But it was a mistake, one that we'll have to live with, but a mistake nonetheless, now you have to go," Carlye pleaded with Jack, she wanted him to go. She now regretted ever meeting the man, and hoped he would see that she would never be able to convince her that their meeting was fate.

Jack stood firm, "Listen to me, if you just listen then I'll leave, but you need to hear what I have to say."

She could see that she wasn't going to find a way out of this one. She nodded her head and said, "Okay, but when you've said your piece you have to leave, not a second later."

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said and smiled.

* * *

Instead of having Hawkeye pick her up at the train station she told him that she'd have a cab to take her to the house, and he agreed hesitantly. After paying the cabbie and collecting her bags she made her way to the door finding a note on the door that read,

"Margaret, I'll be in the clinic until six, make yourself at home…or better yet drop by and visit me. -Hawkeye"

She couldn't help but smile a little at the note, the idea of going to see him at the clinic sounded nice but after being on a train most of the night she wasn't really up for the short walk into town. She opened the door and stepped into the house. Though she'd never been to the Cove before, she'd heard a lot about it from Hawkeye, so she felt like she knew the place. The house was nice, pictures covered the walls and the mantelpiece. There were pictures of Hawkeye's father and mother, pictures of him as a child, even a few pictures from the war…funny thing was that there were no pictures of the woman who had most recently resided here. It was a thought that didn't tarry long in her mind…she still found it hard to be reminded of how things were, she quickly brought herself back to reality and continued to look around the house.

* * *

When Hawkeye walked into his house that evening he found his lady love on the couch asleep. He placed a hand on her hip and gently shook her awake, "What do you know, I come home and find Sleeping Beauty here on my couch.

She stirred and sat up to look at him smiling, "Hey," she said sleepily.

He took her hand into his and asked, "How was your trip?"

"Long and tiring," she said, "I was planning on trying to stay awake so I would be able to sleep tonight."

"Well that's okay, I've got other ideas as to how we can spend the night," he said with the grin on his face that told her exactly what he was thinking.

"I'm sure you do," she said with a laugh.

"I've never heard any complaints so far," he said leaning in for a kiss.

She smiled and kissed him back, "I missed you."

"I missed you too," he said moving to relax against her, "you have no idea how much I've missed you."

"I might have an idea," she said wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer.

* * *

Hours later they lay in Hawkeye's bed, Margaret's head on his chest, and their legs intertwined under the sheet. She was sure there was a trail of clothing leading from the couch to the bedroom. She sighed and snuggled closer to him, if that was at all possible. Everything at this time seemed to be falling into place. It was all so perfect…for once in her life…except for one tiny little thing that kept nagging her. "Hawk?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we going to do if Carlye comes back?" she asked moving

"What do you mean?" he asked sitting up so he could see her face.

"I mean, if Carlye comes back where does that leave us?" she asked sitting up facing him.

"Margaret, she's gone, if she does come back then it leaves us right here where we are. She made her decision and I've made mine," he stated seriously taking her hand and holding it firmly in his.

She looked down at their joined hands, "I'm sorry it's just hard for me to wrap my head around all this," at first she spoke quietly and calmly then started getting worked up, "I mean…look at us Hawk! First you were with her, and then you were with me while you were still with her. Then you proposed to me, while she was still here! Proposing, that's a whole other kettle of fish. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what all of this means, then you call and tell me she's gone…and…I just…" it was at this point where she couldn't take it anymore and just broke.

He looked at her tear covered face and took her into his arms, "It's okay, it's gonna be okay…" he said, he had no idea that she had so much on her mind, that she was so worried. He wasn't sure what to do or say except comfort her…so that's what he did.

* * *

**A/N:** OMG! I did it! Well...I promised to have you this before Thanksgiving, but I got sick and slept all week last week (I swear if I knew I could I'd just get rid of my sinuses), now I wanna try to have the next chapter out before finals...not making any promises or anything but I'm gonna try, provided my professors decide to go easy on me. So yeah...that's my piece, and I've said it. REVIEWS please! They make me so happy.~Allie

**DISCLAIMER:** Please don't make me say it...it makes me sad when I do...Song is Stranger by Secondhand Serenade.

_Turn Around_

_Turn Around and fix your eye in my direction_

_So there is a connection_

_I can't speak_

_I can't make a sound to somehow capture your attention_

_I'm staring at perfection_

_take a look at me so you can see_

_how beautiful you are_

_you call me a stranger_

_you say I'm a danger_

_but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight_

_I'm broke and abandoned_

_you are an angel_

_making all my dreams come true tonight_

_I'm confident_

_but I can't pretend I wasn't terrified to meet you_

_I knew you could see right through me_

_I saw my life flash right before my very eyes_

_and I knew just what we'd turn into_

_I was hopeing that you could see_

_take a look at me so you can see_

_you call me a stranger_

_you say I'm a danger_

_but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight_

_I'm broke and abandoned_

_you are an angel_

_making all my dreams come true tonight_

_you are an angel_

_making all my dreams come true tonight_

_take a look at me so you can see_

_how beautiful you are_

_x4_

_your beauty seems so far away_

_I'd have to write a thousand songs to make you comprehend how beautiful you are_

_i know that I can't make you stay_

_but I would give my final breathe to make you understand how beautiful you are_

_understand how beautiful you are_

_you call me a stranger_

_you say I'm a danger_

_but all these thoughts are leaving you tonight_

_I'm broke and abandoned_

_you are an angel_

_making all my dreams come true tonight_

_you call me a stranger_

_you say I'm a danger_

_you call me a stranger_


End file.
